I am doing nothing, nothing at all……

As we climbed into bed last night, relishing the warm duvet against our cold skin I turned to he who helped create them and said ‘shall we do nothing tomorrow, have a rest day, maybe not even get dressed?’  Half asleep already he turned and replied ‘yes’ and then wandered off to dreamland. More

You changed….

You’ve changed…

You used to be reliable, I knew you would come and there you were, bang on seven o clock every single night of the week.

You would arrive and calm would descend upon the madness of my home. Silence would fill the space where children had been seen to battle and the soft scent of peace and quiet would dance round the lounge. More

a thud, wail, squeal and a pinch….

Daybreak murkily starts to edge its way into the room, tendrils of fog tap at the window telling me morning has begun.
For a moment I lay silent in my bed, the duvet up near my chin pinning me down encouraging me to ignore the signs that I need to get up and start the days.
Beside me BB lays eyes half open finishing the last of her milk….

And then it begins….
A thud as twin boy hits the floor after leaping Ben 10 style from the top bunk.
A wail as twin girl’s eyes are forced open by a 60 watt light suddenly being switched on without warning.
A yelp as they crash into each other trying to race through the door each desperate to have the pleasure of waking up a parent first.
A squeal as one nips the other because they achieved their goal.
A screech as the one out in front falls to the floor tripping over a misplaced foot.
A collective shout as four arms and legs fall into our bedroom, half sobbing, half beaming spitting out the words “is it morning yet.”
A gasp of air as two large five year olds land on my stomach full of stories of tripping and pinching.
A shout and a smile as I try to calm the storm gathered on my body.
A hug as we all cuddle the morning in, eyes dried and wounds dressed.
And finally….
A gentle snore that eases out of the male form under the duvet beside me…..

Just another day.

Gina Ford: Payback is a bitch….

For years I was known locally as the sleep guru, I was the irratating fresh faced mother of twins who had them sleeping through at nine weeks. Whilst other first time parents looked like they had done a super shop at Tescos in order to fill the bags under their eyes I had a sleep regime in place at home that Gina Ford would envy. More

why I refuse to educate my kids…

6.06: the soft cries of mama mama from BB’s cot transcend into loud wails of hunger. I struggle from the soft comfort of my duvet and stumble blindly into her room to see her stood inside the cot arms outstretched lips already pouting for a kiss. Whispering morning into her fair, warm hair we silently tip toe back to my room taking care not to wake any more small or hairy people in the home. More

living with Mary feckin Poppins

The chap I married is not a morning person. He takes exception every morning to having a five year old creeping into his room between five and seven and asking in a booming voice,

“Is it waking up time yet?”

He typically does a strong impression of a corpse at this point in order to not have to deal with said child. I can physically feel his body freeze into rigor mortis as the door handle starts to turn. More

Parenting: I look like Death……

My home looks like it was ransacked by aliens, my skin is pale, the laundry basket is neglected and is shouting its annoyance by allowing underpants and uniforms to spill out under the lid and thus mocking my incompetence.  Last nights dishes are still piled in the sink growing a soft covering of fur on the remains of that evenings ready meal.  The baby is sporting the heavy nappy look as I try to imagine contemplating the task of changing her and the twins look like they have been dueling with the Gruffalo as their faces assume a bruised look from the remains of yesterdays face painting. More

I Will Exact My Revenge

Sleep is something most parents have a love hate relationship with. We would all love more of it and hate having it disturbed.

When your bundle of joy comes along you accept that your hours laid in a soft, comfy bed under a cosy duvet will be less than before and this is a sacrifice you are willing to make in return for a beautiful baby all of your own.

However most of us see loss of sleep as a short term investment when having a baby; so why does it feel that an eight hour stretch in bed is equivalent to finding the holy grail in mummydomland. More

BB gets a bed guard

When you have children you give up hope of having a stylish home and instead you are forced to move all ornaments above little head height after a reluctance acceptance that the word ‘no’ falls on deaf ears for the first twelve years.  Your kitchen gets overtaken by strange sterilizing cylinders which seem to serve the same purpose as a dishwasher but you must have both; your doors get replaced by jail like gates and your beds get large clumsy rails put on them when your little one gravitates to a grown up bed. 

After doing every thing by the book with twin boy and girl I decided to ceremoniously burn the book when BB came along and do things differently; this time I hope to not have to re arrange my home with various child locks and preventions but instead find alternatives.  Again I hold out no hope that BB will listen to me when I say ‘no’ which was proven for the first time today when she gleefully ignored me and ripped several photographs off my wall.

So imagine my delight when one evening I was working away (*cough* tweeting) and I got chatting with a lady from Purple Daisies; who told me about her rather fabulous bed guards.

Look at it: its simple and it’s not ugly: hurrah!

Even twin boy can assemble it; you just pop it under the mattress cover…

Cover it up…

and away you go.

Now clearly BB is still in her cot and the twins are fully capable of not falling out of their beds although they are known to push each other occasionally; however BB nightly occasionally spends her evenings in my bed giving me neck cramp as I sleep with one arm tucked round her so she doesn’t fall out of bed  which would ensure my spot in the bad mother hall of fame.  The bed bumper works really well for co sleeping and actually gets me a better nights sleep when little madam comes and joins he who helped create them and I in our passion wagon bed.

You can sit on it at story time, bend it and pop it in a suitcase to go away or over to a friend’s house when you have a baby still needing a nap at lunchtime; it fits all beds and is suitable from birth.

Best of all prices start at £5.99 and finish at £14.99  – not bad for something you can use for a few years.  I am a big fan of this and would recommend it to anyone looking for a more subtle bed guard, the Purple Daisies site has loads more photos for you to browse through to see how effective it is.  I would have taken some of me and BB but we get a little camera-shy in our PJ’s.

For more details pop over to the Purple Daisies website.

fancy a threesome?

Sleep, I love sleep. I also love bed so I am always up for a threesome with sleep and bed together.

Today I am trying to cover up the fact that far too many people slept with bed last night and sleep buggered off and left me in the middle of the night.

I have bags under my eyes that you could pack for a fortnight’s holiday in. My nerves are on edge as I think of ways I can try and win back sleeps affection, whilst I also focus on trying not to scream and shout at my family like a petulant child as they continue to pester me with stupid questions as we drive down the M1 back home from our stay in a hotels ‘family room’ last night.

Anyway it appears sleep has ran off with someone else because he is adverse to the cries of my ten month old daughter. Bed also doesn’t want to play if sleep doesn’t get involved.

From two till five last night my smallest child wailed, giggled, moaned, whimpered and fed in excessive amounts; unfortunately for me and sleep she was in a travel cot on my side of the bed. Sleep had enough by 2.10am; he quickly pulled his trousers on and swiftly exitted the room muttering ‘bloody baby’. Bed would have taken off as well but I sat on him so he couldn’t escape. My fourth sleeping companion, he who helped create them, also tried to ignore the tears and tantrums from me and BB but I persevered in poking him awake purely because misery likes company.

2am turned quickly into 3am; and I really mean quickly as sleeps parting gift as he slammed the door on his way out was to rudely steal an hour of time and push the clocks forward.

BB, the child I idolise and adore, made my night a living hell. Clearly it would be wrong to have got cross with her so instead I channelled all my anger and moodiness towards he who helped create them; who in turn could not do right for doing wrong.

“You try and settle her.” I commanded, followed swiftly by “don’t bloody talk to her fool!”

At one point as BB reduced him to giggles by laying in her cot shouting her one word “momma” I thought of ways I could try and get away with murder and the poor fella hadn’t really done anything.

Eventually being the woman I am I took one for the team; and not in the way I used to at four am. I sat with BB whilst she latched on and off for an hour until five am when eventually sleeps little brother nap took her out for a date to give me some respite. I even managed, with immense self restraint, to not try and remove he who helped create them’s nostrils with blunt scissors as he snored his way through that final hour.

The twins leapt out of bed with their usual passion at seven; I can barely see through the pin pricks that are my eyes this morning.

However this thing between BB and nap seems to be getting serious, she has already had a second date this morning. I am really hoping she brings him home to meet me this afternoon as I would love to spend some time with him myself.

If anyone sees sleep please tell him I am sorry and to please come home; me and bed need him.

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Copyright © Jane Blackmore and Northernmum, 2010-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jane Blackmore and Northernmum with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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