The lies I was told….

Having children has been an eye opener for me.  Finding out Santa was a fabrication in my youth was hard to deal with but really some of the lies I have been told since then regarding children are borderline obscene.

 Take this popular urban myth; ‘your life will be richer when you have your own family’ More

turkey grilled?

It came so fast, within a millisecond my relatively clean house was destroyed by a mortar bomb of wrapping paper. I shudder to think how many trees died at the hands of Father Christmas yesterday, not to mention the forest my mother flattened to wrap up her lovely bunch of presents.

The day started at a rather reasonable 6.45am, youngest member of the family couldn’t sleep a second longer and summoned me from slumber so she could unwrap her presents. Imagine her glee when she opened her first present carefully disguised by my PJ’s and found warm milk waiting. Some children are easily pleased.

The silence was broken by the rather spectacular thumps of twin boy and girl throwing on slippers and dressing gowns. Twin boy burst into our bedroom like an excited elephant and ran up to he who helped creates them alarm clock, ‘is it past 6.30am? that’s the time you said he was dropping our presents off’ (Hmmmm this mummy is not daft – no 5am starts for me!)

My own excitement burst out as I launched myself out of bed with the elegance of a little hippo and grabbing a baby, husband, and two children we scampered downstairs laughing all the way. They were waiting for us; present after present piled up or hidden by a shimmering ruby sack, the thrills and games for the year to come. Tears pricked at my eyes as the twins yelped in happiness as they discovered presents they had tried so very hard to be good for;

 “A skateboard, a suitcase, I love it, I love it,” squealed twin boy “and Scooby doo stuff, I didn’t even ask for that, how good have I been?”

“Clipping shoes, two pairs” yelled my fashionable four year old daughter as she kicked her slippers off within a blink of an eye. Santa’s sacks were emptied and each new prize lovely caressed with joyful little hands, baby beautiful lay in the thick of it bemused by gifts she doesn’t understand yet.

 For an hour we had contentment, and the rest of the day continued with remarkable ease with only the occasional hint of an argument under the tree.

 I will leave you with the image of bliss at my house on Christmas day, and I won’t even mention about the tears I shed when I discovered I had grilled the Christmas dinner…

Hope you all a lovely Christmas, xxxxx

Christmas and all that jazz

So the festive season is fully upon us, dangling blinking lights hang from every other house and the vast majority of us have paid an inappropriate amount of money for a large potted plant to sit and slowly die in the corner of our living room. However as it is the time to be merry we at least send the plant out in style by adorning it with sparkles and glitter; and in our case a vast amount of dodgy homemade decorations – placed discreetly round the back of the tree. I love my children but they get all their artistic talents from me, and mummies like me get take away when it comes to decorations.

Don’t let my grumpy start mislead you, I adore Christmas I love everything from the carols to the inevitable tantrums that descend at some point on Christmas day. I spend most of the year preparing for Christmas. I am the annoying friend who picks up presents throughout the year so December is not spent fighting wild last minute shoppers in BHS for Aunt Maud’s matching Salt and Pepper mills. He who helped create them has to physically restrain me from hanging decorations in November and the moment the calendar is turned to proudly declare December 1st my Christmas CD gets dusted off and played on a continuous loop until the big man has jumped down our Chimney.

Since having twin boy and girl we decided not to go away for Christmas again. It was a tough decision as I live two hundred miles away from my parents and brothers and nieces and he who helped created them’s family also live a hundred miles down the round, but we wanted to create our own type of Christmas and our own traditions whilst incorporating ones we grew up with. We don’t try and reinvent the wheel; our Christmas consists of being woken by the children who are itching to get downstairs to see if he has been. So far we have been lucky and our earliest wake up has been seven am; I think that may end this year…..

We open our Santa presents, stopping to play with anything the children want to, we like to savour every moment here and if we are still opening things on New Year’s Eve because of excessive playing then it has been a good Christmas! We have our Christmas walk, well we drag the children out with the dog, and I am hoping everyone will grow to love this tradition but so far it takes some bribing! Then we descend to the local pub for a little Christmas drink, not always the first of the day. In fact the first Christmas we had my in laws over I was so nervous I drank most of the bottle of champagne before midday whilst trying to cook a dinosaur sized turkey – it wasn’t my best dinner……

Home we head for an enormous dinner, crackers have to be pulled whilst Twin girl hides upstairs as she can’t stand the bangs and then we settle down for cuddles and a film, and a bit of wine! The kids head of to bed at seven and the cheese and biscuits appear and me and he who helped create them occasionally hijack the selection boxes and then we slob, happy, full and quite often pissed!

 I love Christmas…

 And I’d love to know your traditions let me know what makes your Christmas special…

Santa you can kiss my ….


I have popped off on my travels again to the lovely Ness’s blog, here’s how it starts….

The old joy that is Christmas is almost upon us again.  As per usual the retail community have been doing their bit by setting daily reminders in store in the form of cliff’s carols since September.  Be a travesty if they didn’t do this as how would we remember? We’d all be sitting on sofa waiting for Eastenders omnibus to start and suddenly her majesty would be on the screen.  “Buggery” we’d all say “why didn’t the shops give us three months notice by putting mistletoe and wine on repeat? We’ve only gone and missed christmas”. Tesco would be flooded with angry punters trying to buy ready cooked turkey.   Think of this next time you strop out of a shop in a huff on Halloween because silent night was softly playing. 

To keep reading this please click here; please leave a comment to let Ness know you dropped by and check out her blog its awesome!!!!

Happy reading

Sorry to bother you Santa…

Dear Santa,

How you doing old man?

Stressed I imagine?  I have to say respect to you for still managing to ho, ho, ho throughout December.  If I were you I would send all these letters back return to sender.  How often do you get mail January to November and then suddenly everyone wants a piece of you when the snow starts to fall.  And does anyone, apart from meals on wheels, ever pop in to see how you are doing?  It must be lonely since Mrs Claus ran off with that elf.

It’s snowing over in blighty at the moment; I bet that has you off ho-ing.  Whole bloody country has ground to a halt and not one person has even thought of asking you about the magic sledge.  Could be a second income for you, hiring out the sleigh for a fee, you could even charge extra for you to drive,  ask for cash in hand though or the tax for working your bollocks off doing two jobs barely makes it worthwhile.  I am sure you would appreciate the alternate conversation instead of “Santa can I have” you will get some pearlers like “what time are you on to?” and “been busy?”

I have a question, how do you decide who goes on the naughty list and who is on the nice.  Is it an immediate cut off point or do you have exceptions to the rule.  For example my son bit his sister this morning which to me is a naughty offense, but to be honest if you rock up on Christmas eve with only presents for her the next day is going to be utterly unbearable so can we leave it that I’ll deal with him and you can carry on building his skateboard?  Also when considering adults on the list do you look at the stresses they are currently under?  I mean I only murmured ‘little shits’ the other day and I am sure the kids didn’t hear me.  Yes, I know it not nice to call your children names at the best of times particularly ones which are ‘bad’ words but the little shits had used all my Jo Malone bath oil and soaked the bathroom in their attempt to make a Harry Potter potion.    They were hoping to turn invisible, sadly it didn’t work.

Anyway I have sent the kids lists to you up the chimney.  Well actually we placed them on the electric fire as we don’t have a chimney and when the kids weren’t looking I whipped them off and stuck a stamp on and posted them to you.  See you didn’t have to make a house call so I saved you a job; hopefully you can start scribbling my name back on the good list?

Anyways, let’s presume all is good between us so this year I only want two things please, can I have a bag full of patience, I lost mine last year and life is pretty hard without it.  Also my libido has stopped working since I had three kids so can I have a new one or you can have a bash at fixing the old one.  Cheers Santa.

Oh one last thing, I know you are busy but Movember has ended, you can lose the tash!

Merry Christmas



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