The lies I was told….

Having children has been an eye opener for me.  Finding out Santa was a fabrication in my youth was hard to deal with but really some of the lies I have been told since then regarding children are borderline obscene.

 Take this popular urban myth; ‘your life will be richer when you have your own family’

Gina Ford: Payback is a bitch….

For years I was known locally as the sleep guru, I was the irratating fresh faced mother of twins who had them sleeping through at nine weeks. Whilst other first time parents looked like they had done a super shop at Tescos in order to fill the bags under their eyes I had a sleep regime in place at home that Gina Ford would envy.

Parental Happiness Is….

Parental Happiness is…

Exiting the house before 9am without suffering a sore throat from all that shouting.

Struggling into a pair of size twelve jeans without a five year old asking why don’t you buy clothes that fit?

The Battle of the Bathroom…

I glanced at my watch, I needed to leave the house at 12.45pm and it was fast approaching 12.10pm. My bag was by the door filled with its usual goodies ranging from nappies to wipes to excess loo roll in case anyone got caught short or had a sneeze of epic proportions. I was dressed, each of the children were dressed, we were all calmly eating Omelettes for lunch. In theory nothing should prevent us leaving the house on time; I even paused for a moment merrily contemplating the ridiculous concept that we may be able to start our journey early.

Then I made a mistake of great magnitude.

living with disease

My grip is slipping, someone must have greased my fingers whilst I slept as my slight grasp on sanity is sliding away.

Either that or I have become the latest victim of school holidayitis.

I looked up the symptoms on google earlier. Apparently the signs to watch for are loss of patience,

Day 2…. Is Hell Freezing Over….

The Holiday Diary

If you missed Day One – click here

Day Two,

 Twin boys diary entry: 

I went to the park, I was tired.

Twin girls diary entry:

 I went on the climbing frame and the slide.

 My entry:

 Dear teacher,

 The kids are spot on.  They did all of the above. My day was fabulous.  I awoke at 6.06, fed BB then pulled on my clothes and painted my face in an attempt to erase the worry lines I had gained the day before.  It was one of those mornings where the impossible occurred and twin boy was still asleep at 7.01.  At 7.16 I could contain myself no more and dove into his room crying ‘revenge is sweet my child; it’s waking up time!’

Incontinence: It’s a good thing

A good friend of mine texted me today to tell me her son had christened the potty for the first time.  I hasten to add her that she was also texting to say hi and wasn’t just regaling me with more poo stories.  However, whilst remaining proud of her adorable little lad for firmly ‘dropping one’ in the pot; it was all I could do to not text back shouting; 

“Noooooo don’t do it.  Potty training is the devils work.”

 

dont yell at sick kids; god will punish you

Parenting offers such diverse experiences many of which I would love to wrap up in ribbon and place gently in a box full of tissues and preserve forever.

Like when the first time the twins signed I love you before they could speak. Or when BB first held up her arms to me calling my name silently through big, unblinking eyes.

Parenting tips: Bleurgh

Things that make me go Bleurgh…..

1. Parking in a family parking bay. Yes you are late and yes its busy but people carriers were met to stick together. Don’t force me to park with the cool cars as neither I or the car enjoys the silent ridicule as I try and wrestle a buggy and 3 kids out with two inches of space.
However if you decide to park in my spot because secretly you want one of my children please feel free to check my ebay account as one or more is often found there.

The Oracle of Parenting

I consider myself a bit of an oracle when it comes to parenting. I have no grounds or qualifications for such a claim but I do have five years experience, three children and am proud to say I have never lost any of them. Therefore I deem myself the newly crowned oracle of parenting.

So with my self proclaimed new title I have decided to impart some words of wisdom on those of you who have yet to enter the parenting domain and give you a list of my top ten things to do before you have children.