We will die, DIE I tell you…

As the winter sun burned a little brighter this weekend, the mood in our home lifted into summery smiles and carefree peals of laughter. Discarding our coats with reckless abandonment we sprang into spring like a family possessed.

We hit the park, fed the ducks and basked in the sunlight, all was good and happy in our world.

Then we decided to learn to ride our bikes on the road…

I didn’t think there was anything more painful than teaching the twins to ride on two wheels but teaching them to ride on two wheels on roads managed to top trump that experience.

First I risked life and limb by positioning myself in the middle of the road whilst twin boy and girl were pinned to the left. Every grate was seen as a death threat and pot holes were perceived as perilous pits of hell.

I started out confident on our quiet cul de sac, and began teaching road safety in my children’s tv presenter sing song voice…

“C’mon along darlings, stay to the left, oh you silly billy that’s the wrong left. Oh well done poppet simply excellent road riding.”

Less than five minutes later as we progressed onto a quiet road which had the occasional car my voice tone altered to that of a slightly stressed parent taking their seventeen year old out for driving lessons without dual controls.

“Whoa, careful, stay left, left LEFT, and I said no over taking. Watch the car, the car, blimey that was close, no you are doing ok, just stay to the flipping left.”

An incident with a double decker bus, a roundabout and an not so helpful passer by catapulted my tone into one of a homicidal maniac chasing after fresh blood.

“LEFT; LEFT; LEFT; for the love of god the one you bloody don’t write with. There is a BUS, a BUS, christ if it hits us we will die, DIE I tell you. Don’t stop, DO NOT FECKING STOP. Turn right, no I mean left, just bloody turn. Pavement, PAVEMENT; yes sir they are learning, yes I see the bus, turn right now. Get on the bloody PAVEMENT!”

Finally by some miracle the pavement was located by all our bicycles and we stopped and I felt my pulse try and leap out of my vein in my neck. Luckily I managed to calm my beating heart before I approached the not so helpful passerby and rammed my front wheel up where the sun don’t shine.

We all disembarked and I paused for a moment and brought back my inner children’s tv presenter singsong voice and said,

“Now children shall we look at what went wrong?”

“I’ll tell you what went wrong,” blustered a very stressed twin boy, “you have gone mental and think you are a sat nav and a blooming rubbish one at that.”

I had no come back, I think it maybe time to upgrade me for a new model..

It is blog award time again, this time for Brilliance in Blogging, if you want to vote for any bloggers please click here; if you want to vote for me *blushes* then you need my name: Northernmum and my URL: www.northernmum.wordpress.com  I would be over the moon to be nominated in the categories of ‘Laugh’, ‘Lit’ or ‘Outstanding’.  I would be less pleased to be nominated for ‘best Daddy blog’ but would take the hint on board that it is time to shave my legs and pluck my chin!

NB: You dont have to be a blogger to vote!

49 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. The Mad House
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 19:20:02

    Ha ha ha, you are a braver lady than me. I have not progressed to real roads with the boys, just the ones in the village on the estate

    Reply

  2. mothersalwaysright
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 19:36:32

    How long are you planning to do the cycling proficiency training? Just so I know when it’s safe to come back into Reading you understand…

    Reply

  3. speccy
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 19:58:25

    You reflect life so well, Jane. Yesterday you had me in tears; today I’m rolling about laughing. Fabulous

    Reply

  4. Alexandra
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 20:03:15

    we must DIE to LIVE. Yay for baptism, huh?

    Reply

  5. @scribblingmum
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 20:15:30

    ‘you have gone mental’ – that’s classic! I’ve deferred this to The Boy to do, wouldn’t catch me on the road on a bike. Or on a bike full stop actually.

    Reply

  6. Liz Fielding
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 20:49:32

    I will be clearing biscuit crumbs out of my keyboard for weeks!

    Reply

  7. Doris O'Connor
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 20:54:47

    Oh good lord, I needed that laugh! You’re a braver person than me to even attempt that 🙂

    Reply

  8. Teresa Morgan
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 21:31:57

    Okay, I had tears of laughter there. Phew! (I was a little worried this might not have a happy ending!)

    I am not alone in the stress of being a mother. I am normal! And you have just reminded me why we won’t be going near any roads with bikes for a very long time. Stick to the footpaths out back I think 😉 Thank you.

    Reply

  9. wibbly wobbly
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 21:38:47

    You have summed up why my youngest doesn’t ride a bike – teaching the older two was enough trauma in my life. (I still have nightmares about child No. 2 returning home and getting just a tad too close to next door’s brand new Mercedes, leaving a lovely scratch all the way down the side from bumper to wing mirror!), I figured it was safer for all not to bother with the third! Well done you taking two out at the same time – defintely deserve a nomination for something, lol!

    Reply

  10. Jontybabe (@jontybabe)
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:07:44

    Absolutely fab post! tears streaming down my face laughing!!!! Brilliant! x

    Reply

  11. sarsm
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:16:32

    Scary!!

    But funny too!!

    Reply

  12. Sarah
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:26:45

    Brilliant posts, had me properly laughing out loud!

    Reply

  13. Nickie
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:42:21

    hehehehe stirred up some memories there 😉

    Reply

  14. Actually Mummy (@ActuallyMummy)
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:44:33

    I almost tweeted you to see if you were writing anything funny today – link it up to #SunFun on mine – you’ve got 70min left!! And I had already nominated you btw

    Reply

  15. JallieDaddy
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:59:34

    “From the mouths of babes & children…” Very funny!

    Reply

  16. thebabywife
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 07:14:21

    I shall vote today!

    Reply

  17. Gappy
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 07:15:44

    Ha ha, rather you than me. Love the, “Now children, shall we look at what went wrong?” Lol’ing all over the place I am.

    Reply

  18. Kelly Wiffin
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 08:10:45

    You have me laughing again! I love what your children say! x

    Reply

  19. older mum (in a muddle)
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 08:26:37

    Oh god! Cycling with children – I remember my dad taking me onm the roads and the bugger just cycling ahead of me leaving me peddling terrifyingly to catch up – on the LEFT of course!

    Reply

  20. Chris Mosler
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:13:24

    Oh God *shudders* I’d forgotten I would have to go through this AGAIN with Bonus Boy. I’ve already done it three times and survived, I’m probably pushing my luck (isn’t it time I got time off for good behaviour?) Good to see the boy has the measure of you…he’ll go far. Many thanks for linking to The Things They Say and Do!

    Reply

  21. Mel (MilkChic Breastfeeding Fashion)
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:23:00

    Actually shaking and crying with laughter this morning. Sorry it was stressful… but thanks for a fab start to the day 🙂

    Reply

  22. helloitsgemma
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 16:37:26

    next stop London to Brighton…. enjoy.

    Reply

  23. motherventing
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 20:26:06

    I can’t ride a bike. Pls teach me.

    Reply

  24. Corinne
    Mar 02, 2012 @ 19:19:57

    This is brilliant and made me laugh rather a lot, you are one brave lady!

    Reply

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Copyright © Jane Blackmore and Northernmum, 2010-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jane Blackmore and Northernmum with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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