Sniffing each other’s bottoms

Thursday night is swimming night.  The whole evening tends to be a mad panic from the moment the school bell chimes right through to when the last child finally stops rabbi ting on and closes their eyes and drifts off to the land of nod.

This Thursday I collected the kids from school, performed a magnificent balancing act of carrying two lunch boxes, two book bags, a model of a car or a spaceship (I didn’t like to ask as it was deemed by twin boy as obvious) two PE kits, one buggy containing a child in a rather heavy spica cast and two six year olds.  I paused at the car after unloading everything inside and tying each child to their respective seat and waited for a round of applause; sadly it didn’t come.

Back at the ranch we ate a hearty tea of beans on toast followed by a squirty yoghurt which twin boy squirted straight down his jumper and then we about turned and legged it out of the house.  Again my balancing was to be commended as I carried the baby with a bar between her legs on my hips, my handbag on one arm, a book to entertain BB with between my teeth and a swimming bag swung from my back nestling on the shelf that is my arse.

We arrived at the pool; unable to help the twins undress in any way as BB remained heavily perched on my hip.  So I chose to bark orders like a sergeant major earning myself unreserved glances of disapproval from other caring mothers who helped their own children into their obscenely tight swimming hats rather than getting one six year old to try and put the other six year olds hat on their head.

The whole event was interrupted by BB having a bowel movement so whilst twin boy and twin girl continued to ‘fold’ their clothes and attempt to put lycra on each other’s head I dashed to the bathroom to remove the offending item from one of BB’s two nappies.

Task successfully achieved I returned to find twin boy and twin girl attempting to ‘sniff’ each other to see who had the smelliest private parts, again I found myself earning unreserved glances of disapproval from other caring mothers whose children didn’t put their noses up their siblings bottoms.

Finally the twin’s were dropped in the pool and BB and I headed upstairs as usual to the viewing area to watch them splutter and splash threw thirty minutes of swimming.  Upstairs another mother played with her daughter who was the same age as BB and she chased her little girl mercifully round the viewing arena struggling to keep her in one place for any length of time.  This mother looked knackered, her daughter wrecked havoc gleefully, scattering leaflets, knocking over drink cups and having a whale of a time.

Then it hit me, like a huge bloody giant’s fist right in the chest.  The whole events of the preceding week came crashing down on my shoulders and I struggled to keep myself in check as I sat in the viewing area of the local swimming baths.

My daughter, my 21 month old daughter, sat restricted on my legs, staring with unabashed envy at the little girl who was maximising her legs to her full potential.  She didn’t even try to move; she merely sat on my lap and fat silent tears dripped down both of our cheeks.  Together we cried for all she had endured and for all she was missing now.  Together our tears hit her cast and I wiped them away with a heavy hand, wishing it was my limbs entrapped within it not that of my baby girl.

Then I did what any good mother does in this situation…

I bought chocolate and BB and I ate it with sheer abandonment, sticky grins covering our faces as sugar healed all our woes.

I think he who helped create them can do the swimming run next week….

It is blog award time again, this time for Brilliance in Blogging, if you want to vote for any bloggers please click here; if you want to vote for me *blushes* then you need my name: Northernmum and my URL:  I would be over the moon to be nominated in the categories of ‘Laugh’, ‘Lit’ or ‘Outstanding’.  I would be less pleased to be nominated for ‘best Daddy blog’ but would take the hint on board that it is time to shave my legs and pluck my chin!

NB: You dont have to be a blogger to vote!

47 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mummymummymum
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 14:17:58

    Awww Jane, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. Fingers crossed the next few months go by quickly for you both.

    Huge hugs xxx


  2. The Mad House
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 14:21:53

    Ah shucks, I do not know what is more shocking, the fact that your children wear swimming caps or the fact that they were sniffing at each other.

    Stay strong or not as the case may require and eat chocolate, you can diet when it is all done


  3. scarlettruby
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 14:22:25

    Chocolate is the instantly gratifying answer to almost any question and the comforting balm to almost any situation.
    You will survive – and – triumph! 🙂


  4. anna tims (@ageingmatron)
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 14:24:24

    Would you mind starting a blog moratorium for a week. Your posts always distract me from my deadlines and now I’ve completely lost my train of thought on pawn. I’m glad yours are as keen on the nethers as mine are. My son goes to quite alarming lengths of biological exploration with his sister in the bath. And I’m very sorry that times are so hard for you. Still, week two nearly done…!


  5. Actually Mummy...
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 15:57:22

    Jeez I can’t imagine! I loathe swimming lessons, and that’s without a baby in a cast – you are a superhero!


  6. Jacq
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 18:50:57

    I’ve caught the three girls sitting naked on the landing showing each other their ‘willies’!!!! But not at swimming so that’s okay, isn’t it?
    I hate swimming but it has got a bit better now they are all in the water.


  7. Mandi
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 21:08:11

    You and your family are an inspiration. My heart goes out to you at this time. It WILL pass and you will all be stronger for this experience. Keep smiling and eating chocolate and be proud of your family!


  8. SAHMlovingit
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 21:29:40

    Aw woman…you always make me laugh my ass off of and cry all in one post. My pregnant emotions can’t handle it any more.

    Big hugs to you and BB. Chocolate is the saviour of all 🙂



  9. mothersalwaysright
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 21:46:27

    I tell you, chocolate is the cure. For what it’s worth, I took F to her first new swimming lesson this week. Ended up getting undressed, dressed and then undressed again after getting confused as to whether parents were meant to be in the pool with young offspring or not. Highlight of the day was the two 4 year old girls in the toilets after the class, loudly discussing if they were “doing a poo or a wee”. F spent the whole time sitting on a bench looking bemused at everyone walking around her. If I have to tell one more person her age and make one more explanation about her “not walking” I think I may scream. We love BB and her beautiful spica cast and will be on hand to provide chocolate to her (and wine to you) as long as it is in existence.


  10. JallieDaddy
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 23:28:12

    Poor girl. Remember 1 thing though: she’s lucky that she has such a great Mum


  11. eviegracesmummy
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 12:14:38

    Big hugs to you and BB? Who’s ‘private parts’ smelt worse then?? X


  12. richmondmummy
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 17:32:22

    I laughed… I cried…. I HEART your blog 🙂 and will defo be nominating you for a BiB Award, you deserve it missus. Sending lots of love for a speedy recovery for BB and in the meantime, eat all the chocolate you need, medicinal purposes ‘n’ all that… xxx


  13. Debra Ceka
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 21:32:10

    You had me in stitches with the swimming caps and sniffing! Then almost in tears for what you and your daughter have been through, I really feel for you. What a fab post! x


  14. Anna
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 22:58:26

    I could cry for you and BB, and I’ll definitely join you in the chocolate consumption. I hope her time in the spica goes quickly, and all these difficult times soon become distant memories.
    As for your kids sniffing each other, I suppose it is marginally more embarrassing than when we were at a party earlier today and The Baby was in the arms of a relative who has met her all of twice, shouting “Daaaaaaaddy! Change nappy! Done a poo poo”. I was so glad she announced it to the entire room.


  15. Katie
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 23:59:00

    I’m so glad you wrote this my kids smell
    each others bottoms especially after the trump episode that has just took place !! ( thankfully in our home may I add) but I felt your pain about bb ! Chin up hun only you will remember these weeks and bb will know no different when she’s older and chocolate is the best medicine for any little one . Turn that frown upside down as bb will be joining in before you know it x x x Lol


  16. sarsm
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:12:28

    You should defo send the man next week and stay home and open a bottle of gin x


  17. Sara (@TeenyTinyBean)
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 11:18:16

    Every time I take a guilty pleasure break at work and read one of your posts, my face lights up with joy and then is often crumpled in tears a moment later. How on earth do you do it? Thanks for sharing both the sweetness and sour of your life without whinging and moaning… I hear enough of that at work!


  18. The Boy and Me (@TheBoyandMe)
    Mar 10, 2012 @ 19:52:55

    Second time I’ve read it, second time I’ve cried. Even though this is for her own good in the long run, in the short-term, it must be so hard on her.


  19. Trackback: Parenting without alcohol…… « Northern Mummy with Southern Children

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