Plaiting one’s pubes….

In recent years I have slightly misled my children. Avoiding the whole conversation about where babies come from and how they actually trundle down the birth canal has always been a focus of mine and he who helped create them.

When BB was born, twin girl was full of awkward questions but was easily fulfilled by a quick glimpse of the bandage on my stomach and was happily comforted in the knowledge that babies were simply lifted from your tummy and then a doctor glued you together again.

In short I skipped over the whole natural birth bit.

Then some smart arse kid tried to educate my child on biology and they very nearly came to blows as twin girl argued with all her strength that babies were cut out with a massive knife rather than accept the theory that a eight pound baby could be pushed out of a teeny tiny little hole between your front and back bottoms.

So I eventually confessed and begged forgiveness for my hiding of the whole truth and this is what I said.

“When a baby is ready to be born a magic hole appears near where you have a wee and the baby comes through it and then the hole magically disappears again. Some ladies magic hole’s are broken so then the doctors help when it doesn’t open in time.”

So the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I just merely omitted the blood, tearing, stitching and general hellish pain from my tale.

The twins seemed happy and life went on.

This week my cousin had a baby; I happily shared the news with twin boy and girl, this was their reaction….

Twin Boy: “did she get her baby cut out with a sword?”

Twin Girl: “no silly, her second Gina* hole opened and when it got as big as the moon the baby dropped onto the floor and it was born.”

Twin Boy: “maybe it should have grabbed that fuzzy stuff that mum has on her Gina then it wouldn’t hurt its head when it fell out.”

Twin Girl: “mum, what is that spikey stuff on your Gina? Did you put glue there by mistake and my hair got stuck when I fell out of the magic moon hole and you can’t get it off?”

Twin Boy: “no its doesn’t come off because you see it when we go swimming at the sides of her costume.”

Twin Girl: “shall we plait it?”

I remained silent through this whole discussion; however once plaiting was announced my legs remained firmly crossed.

I am never trying to explain to my children how babies are made.

I am booking in for a wax.

(* Gina is our name for your moo moo, flower, vagina, whatever you choose to call it!)