Plaiting one’s pubes….

In recent years I have slightly misled my children. Avoiding the whole conversation about where babies come from and how they actually trundle down the birth canal has always been a focus of mine and he who helped create them.

When BB was born, twin girl was full of awkward questions but was easily fulfilled by a quick glimpse of the bandage on my stomach and was happily comforted in the knowledge that babies were simply lifted from your tummy and then a doctor glued you together again.

In short I skipped over the whole natural birth bit.

Then some smart arse kid tried to educate my child on biology and they very nearly came to blows as twin girl argued with all her strength that babies were cut out with a massive knife rather than accept the theory that a eight pound baby could be pushed out of a teeny tiny little hole between your front and back bottoms.

So I eventually confessed and begged forgiveness for my hiding of the whole truth and this is what I said.

“When a baby is ready to be born a magic hole appears near where you have a wee and the baby comes through it and then the hole magically disappears again. Some ladies magic hole’s are broken so then the doctors help when it doesn’t open in time.”

So the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I just merely omitted the blood, tearing, stitching and general hellish pain from my tale.

The twins seemed happy and life went on.

This week my cousin had a baby; I happily shared the news with twin boy and girl, this was their reaction….

Twin Boy: “did she get her baby cut out with a sword?”

Twin Girl: “no silly, her second Gina* hole opened and when it got as big as the moon the baby dropped onto the floor and it was born.”

Twin Boy: “maybe it should have grabbed that fuzzy stuff that mum has on her Gina then it wouldn’t hurt its head when it fell out.”

Twin Girl: “mum, what is that spikey stuff on your Gina? Did you put glue there by mistake and my hair got stuck when I fell out of the magic moon hole and you can’t get it off?”

Twin Boy: “no its doesn’t come off because you see it when we go swimming at the sides of her costume.”

Twin Girl: “shall we plait it?”

I remained silent through this whole discussion; however once plaiting was announced my legs remained firmly crossed.

I am never trying to explain to my children how babies are made.

I am booking in for a wax.

(* Gina is our name for your moo moo, flower, vagina, whatever you choose to call it!)

70 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Steph Lever (@StephLever)
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 15:40:50

    *Sigh*
    That’s just me getting my breath back. I’m sorry for your embarrassment but that has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. I love your children’s imagination, ‘as big as the moon’ feels like a pretty accurate description of that particular area at the time.
    I can definitely relate with your ‘problem area’ lol

    Reply

  2. speccy
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 17:22:13

    I have to laugh very quietly in case a girl comes in and asks why 🙂

    Reply

  3. Notmyyearoff
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 17:22:44

    Hahahahhaaaaaa awwww gawwd. I laughed a lot!! Plaited Ginas? That could be next years vagazzling (or whatever the kids call it these days!)

    Reply

  4. Helloitsgemma
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 17:47:07

    Gina? As in Gina ford?

    Reply

  5. Teawithonesugarplease
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 18:22:58

    Well that headline got my attention, do you think you should you know’ trim’ before the wax? Might be painful since its been a while for you…just being *helpful*….

    Reply

  6. Expat Mammy
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 18:47:23

    haha god save, Im sure they don’t need to know all the gory details just yet

    Reply

  7. Kate Buckley
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 19:15:05

    OMG! Love this post. Kids are hilarious and embarrassing in the same breath. Hope you weren’t discussing your pubes on the bus! That would have been even worse. I think there are pit-falls whatever you come up with. Love your explanation though, banking that for the future.

    Reply

  8. Curly Mum
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 19:28:12

    I am sorry, but I just had to laugh! Your children are so sweet and charming. I haven’t had too many awkward questions just yet. My girls know that when their baby sister was born, I had a tummyache, went to the hospital and their sister came out of my ’tilly’ into the birth pool. I don’t think they really have a clue how she got into my tummy in the first place. I’ll answer that question when they ask it.

    I have explained to them about c-sections also, because I didn’t want them to be worried if I did come home with a wound, so I told them that sometimes if there is a problem with the baby being born or they need to get it out quickly, they do an operation where they carefully cut open the tummy, remove the baby, and fix the tummy again which would leave a wound that would need time to heal up.

    I don’t think it’s essential to spill all the gory details at a young age. I’ve decided to answer as honestly (but simply) as I can when they ask about it.

    Reply

    • janeblackmore
      Oct 22, 2011 @ 19:31:43

      tilly?

      So they didn’t ask about your fur? – my daughter calls it fur!

      god help me

      Reply

      • Curly Mum
        Oct 22, 2011 @ 19:38:16

        Yup, that’s what they call it. I am so dreading when they meet a girl called Matilda. I tried to change it, but they won’t call it anything else!

        We’ve always bathed together, so they just know that adults have hair in places that children don’t. They seemed to just accept that bit thankfully, or I would have been quite mortified and shaved.

      • janeblackmore
        Oct 22, 2011 @ 19:41:38

        Lol! I had not even made the matilda connection.

        Twin girl is waiting excitedly for hers to grow!

  9. morethanamummy
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 20:04:40

    Ha ha ha ha absolute genius! Laughed out loud! I’m dreading my 2 year old boy asking about babies. He is already obsessed with boobs (boys start young these days) and laughs every time he sees my ‘foo’ hair!!!

    Reply

  10. Butwhymummywhy
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 20:42:06

    Wow! I actually cried with laughter when reading this. Don’t worry I didn’t read it aloud to my husband while doing so. (that last bit might be a lie…sorry)
    😉
    Hilarious!

    Reply

  11. Emma @mummymummymum
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 20:48:16

    I am chuckling…brilliant! The twins must have the BEST conversations! xx

    Reply

  12. The Boy and Me (@TheBoyandMe)
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 22:07:44

    Literally snorting with laughter. Snorting I tell you woman

    Reply

  13. Grannymar
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 22:09:24

    Thank you for visiting my blog and giving me the greatest laugh for the past week. In fact the tears are still rolling down my cheeks. My daughter is passed the question stage so I sent her on a link to read for herself.

    Reply

  14. @mumtweeting
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 22:29:06

    Brilliant. Toddler pointed at me the other day & hit me with one word… “hairy”. Also booking a wax!

    Reply

  15. All for Aleyna (@allforaleyna)
    Oct 22, 2011 @ 23:01:31

    Wetting myself. Actually wetting my lady garden. xxxx

    Reply

  16. Londonmum
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 06:25:34

    Funniest thing I have read in ages. Dear god, my son is rapidly approaching the age where that type of conversation might happen. Need to plan!

    Reply

  17. Kate Takes 5
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 08:11:34

    Brilliant. I’m proud to say I got my first ‘Californian’ this weekend. I think I lost about 2lbs.

    Reply

  18. geekmummy
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 08:32:00

    ROFL!

    When I was pregnant with the geekson, the geekdaddy took great pleasure in telling her that when it was time for the baby to be born I would go into hospital, the doctor would unscrew my belly button, my bottom would fall off (everyone knows that’s what happens when you unscrew your belly button, right?!), the baby would fall out, and then he’d screw my bottom back on.

    I relaid this story to a work colleague over the phone, and it was only when I finished that I realised how quiet the office had become, and that *everyone* was listening… Oooooops!

    Reply

  19. Blue Sky
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 09:29:33

    Maybe it is the latest fashion? *runs off to ask 19 yr old dd*

    Reply

  20. Claire Weir
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 16:56:00

    PMSL Jane just when I needed cheering up xx

    Reply

  21. fenngirl
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 17:02:22

    I howled at this post. Plaiting! Reminds me of the time when 2yo O asked me why I had “crispy hair” down there. Crispy!?! I was mortified…

    Reply

  22. Older mum
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 18:17:17

    Genius!!!!! One of the best things I’ve read all day. Also feel relieved I’m not the only one with ‘cress’ sprouting out of my swimming costume.

    Reply

  23. Actually Mummy...
    Oct 23, 2011 @ 21:43:47

    Your children have a very surreal vision of childbirth don’t they! I don’t think that could have been funnier if you’d scripted it! Thanks for linking it up to my Wot So Funee? 🙂

    Reply

  24. Iris
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 16:54:57

    I’ve heard twins have a special way of communicating, but this takes the prize! Love your magic hole explanation. Truly funny stuff!

    Reply

  25. Ali - suitcasetricks
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 16:59:23

    Oh my gosh! I love this. Sounds like something that would happen in my house. I did have to Google what plaiting was though 🙂

    Reply

  26. mothersalwaysright
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 17:14:21

    I read this post out to the NLM while we were on a romantic dinner date on Sat night. He complained I’d killed the romantic mood, but did laugh very loudly. You never fail to make me laugh!

    Reply

  27. Bibsey Mama
    Oct 24, 2011 @ 18:08:43

    Ace post. Your kids are bloody hilarious. I guess I must have all this to come. At the moment the verbal skills are not quite there yet with Bibsey… however, she is pretty good at non-verbal mockery. When I am in the bath, invariably she is ‘keeping mummy company’ – god I miss having a long hot bath on my own – and she hovers at the edge of the bath throwing things in (that shouldn’t go in of course, like books) and pointing and laughing at my bits. *Sighs*

    And erm, don’t let them plait your pubes. Suspect it is the thin edge of the wedge love.

    Reply

  28. jazzygal
    Oct 25, 2011 @ 16:44:01

    hahahahaha!!! That is soo funny….thanks for the laugh! kids, eh?!

    xx Jazzy

    Reply

  29. Honest Mum
    Oct 25, 2011 @ 19:41:22

    Absolutely hysterical. Nothing funnier (or more honest) than kids. Hope the waxing went well. Maybe ask for a Hollywood whiles you’re there!

    Reply

  30. Heidi
    Oct 26, 2011 @ 07:54:36

    Oh your family make me laugh so much! I’ve just had to educate Dylan on boobs and nipples in advance of him seeing me breastfeed baby no.2. I began to regret not making up cuter less obvious words for them when he announced at the top of his voice in starbucks that that baby over there is having its milk in a cup but mummy’s baby will have milk from her nipples. Oh well, I’m sure there will be a lot worse to come if Dylan grows up to be anything like your twins! Gotta love them though x

    Reply

  31. sarsm
    Nov 12, 2011 @ 13:39:13

    I love your kids. I’ve never even met them but they still have the ability to make me laugh. 😉

    Our now 5yo (she had a birthday last week) is obsessed, I mean really OBSESSED with where babies come from and even worse how they get there in the first place. It’s led to a lot of erm … Interesting conversations.

    Luckily, I’ve only ever had caesarians. I know. Four of them. It’s left a happy face on my tummy and she’s quite content to hear all my babies came out of there.

    But the getting in, now that’s been more problematic.

    In the end we looked at a pregnancy book (I know, I’m either brave or incredibly stupid) and she saw pictures of babies in the womb. She asked a lot of questions about the Mama and the Papa part so in the end I told her the Papa gives the Mama a seed and the seed joins together with an egg the Mama has.

    She talks quite openly about the seed and the egg.

    The other day I was watching Eastenders and two gay guys were arguing about a baby. She turned to me and told me that they can’t have a baby because it’s a seed and a seed. Quite emphatically.

    Reply

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Copyright © Jane Blackmore and Northernmum, 2010-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jane Blackmore and Northernmum with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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