Slapped in the face with a raw, wet kipper….

Dear teacher,

I feel we have formed a bond over the last five weeks and I can move past writing to you in diary form and just address you direct.  I am here as the ghost of school days future, appearing in front of you as warning to appreciate the present and don’t do as I did and waste the time you had.  You know how twin boy and girl went to stay with their nanny for two weeks and he who helped create them and I got to stay home alone with beautiful baby; well guess what I did?  I squandered the time, I didn’t appreciate what I had, I missed them and I allowed that emotion to dominate my actions.  I cleaned out twin girl’s sock drawer, I bought and labeled twin boy’s uniform, on one particularly bad night I slept in twin girl’s bed (ok, the half bottle of wine and ridiculous argument with he who helped create them also led to that occurence) but all in all I didn’t relish the silence, I didn’t embrace the lack of washing, I was a fool!

I will say that the hugs I received upon returning to collect my eldest pair were phenomenal, seeing BB light up like Blackpool illuminations as she shuffled over to her idol, twin boy, and second mother, twin girl, was a dream.  But then honestly teacher, the next day, real life came back and slapped me in the face with a raw, wet Kipper.  Within moments of waking both my ear drums were screaming out for mercy, twin boy and girl had clearly devised a competition to see who could say mummy most in the space of an hour.  When I decided to leave the home to escape the ever shrinking four walls the situation only worsened with tantrums and talking back.  I merely asked twin boy to stop moaning and get in the car when I was greeted with the retort;

 ‘shall I go on the road then, I’m not allowed on the road? Shall I be killed by a car getting into our car, do you want me to dieeeeeee?’ Twin boy then collapsed on the grass arms flayed out doing a loud impression of his own death by motherly request.

Twin girl added her own twist to the trauma by declaring was on her brother when he climbed into the front seat; long heated debates combined with hair pulling continued as they argued the toss on whose turn it was to accompany me in the front.  Teacher I am not ashamed to tell you that I cradled my head in my arms as I tried unsuccessfully to block out the sounds.

But teacher heed my words, look around you, have you appreciated the last five weeks?  I mean really appreciated them?  Take a moment now, listen to the silence, perhaps meditate a while.  Have a cold glass of wine in the afternoon, sod it, have the bottle, tomorrow you wont have thirty little people all shouting above one and other trying to be heard.  Dont think about lesson plans, don’t try to get yourself in advance, they wont appreciate it, not one little bit.  I told twin girl about her sock drawer and she didn’t even comment, and twin boy was totally nonplussed when I explained about his uniform, he even went so far as to enquire if I wanted a medal.  Well yes, I bloody well do as it goes.

So teach, can I call you that? enjoy your last week, savour each moment, because in eight days it all starts again, the din and the noise, the mud and the madness.  The holidays are ending, it’s nearly time for the school bell to ring.

yours in anticipation,


Previous letters/diary entry to teacher include…

Day One of hell

Is Hell freezing over?

Dear holidaying teacher

Dear Teacher

28 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sara
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 13:28:48

    I was wondering the same thing. My home is going to be so quiet next week x


  2. PoorParenting
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 13:40:49

    Eight days to go? I’m rather surprised you left it so vague. I figured you’d be counting the seconds by now.

    7 days 18 hours 12 minutes and 47 seconds to go…


  3. teawithonesugar
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 15:44:35

    I did tell you to make the most of their absence…..


  4. waterbirthplease
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 18:49:37

    Oh bless you, I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this but the Twin Boy comments getting into the car are prtty priceless! I work with deaf kids. There may be less shouting and more signing, but believe me – the stress aint all about the noise! Great great post x


    Aug 28, 2011 @ 19:03:27

    halebloodylujah…are the holidays really coming to and end…….
    sounds like twin boy is turning into my lippy 10 year old already….god help ya! When he was 5 weeks old my husband took him Xmas shopping…for 7 hours…and d’you know what I did in that time? Stared at his bloody photos………I will never forive myself for wasting that time


    Aug 28, 2011 @ 19:42:15

    hmm yes, 7 hours! He was a good baby & slept through the whole event! My husband relished the attention that having a newborn brought!


    • janeblackmore
      Aug 28, 2011 @ 19:59:22

      I can imagine, he who helped create them seems to like hanging out with BB in the park and the yummy mummies…

      I dont seem to attract the same attention from passing single men in Tesco’s when I rock up with TB, TG and BB!


    Aug 28, 2011 @ 20:03:51

    ha ha, no it’s not the best look to attract the young single men is it….screaming kids hanging off your legs & snot & weetabix smeared on your clothes!


    • janeblackmore
      Aug 28, 2011 @ 20:40:05

      So tell me why does a man covered in weetabix and with unkept hair appeal to all us ladies as cute and someone needing help? HWHCT goes to playgroup with one baby and women rush to make him a cuppa tea. I go in half term with all three and have to balance boiling water on one arm and a baby on the other whilst wiping a nose with my secret arm. (Plus I have to make an extra cuppa for any useless chaps that are lingering…)


  8. pamperedmummy
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 20:10:11

    Fab post, I know my children’s teachers wll be enjoying their last few days of peace!


    Aug 28, 2011 @ 20:50:51

    you said it right there…..’useless’! Maybe others think you are doing such a great job of multi-tasking they don’t want to step on your toes…..either that or they’re too busy sniggering in the corner…..bitches!


  10. Kerry
    Aug 28, 2011 @ 22:12:32

    Brilliant post it actually made me laugh out loud. I always feel like that when Baba goes away. Although we had my nephew for a couple of nights this week and my sister just sat in her lovely quiet house, with my very grown up niece laughing at me having such a headache with 6 year and 3 year old boys wrecking my house! xx


  11. Mcai7td3
    Aug 29, 2011 @ 14:07:06

    Hehe I love how dramatic Twin boy is! Do you think nanny has a ringing in her ears?


  12. MummyMummyMum
    Aug 29, 2011 @ 19:24:33

    Next year we will remind you of this post! xx


  13. Blue Sky
    Aug 29, 2011 @ 22:06:45

    What would we do without teachers? And my children start going back to school in 33 hours…


  14. mothersalwaysright
    Sep 03, 2011 @ 19:05:17

    I love Twin Boy and Twin Girl. And BB. In fact, don’t bother sending them to your mum’s next holiday and I’ll have them instead…


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