Day 1 of hell……

Twin boy and girl have been asked to write memoirs of their six week holidays for school.

I am keen for the teachers to have a realistic view of what six weeks at home 24\7 is like.

Here is Day One…

Twin Boy :

Got up ate breakfast with all my family and then went swimming, mummy yelled loudly at the man who saves lives.

Twin girl:

Got up after a lovely long sleep, played with all my toys, got very sad at the swimming pool.

Ok – the five year old’s are not telling the full story, I am not having this going into school.

Here are the facts:

Got up at 7.02, despite running the children into the ground yesterday with activity after activity;  inclusive of bouncy castle and horse racing they were still up with the larks.

Made breakfast, no one wanted the same thing so managed to knock out crumpets, porridge, tea, coffee, warm milk and weetabix at the same time.  Using my crafty third hand I also kept the kitchen relatively tidy and sorted the laundry.  He who helped create them contributed to the morning by bathing whilst checking the cricket on his phone. (To be fair if I could have done that I would have)

 No one commented what an amazing feat it was delivering three types of breakfasts and three types of beverage to the table all at the right temperature whilst performing cleaning duties.  I honestly believed I deserved a fecking medal.

8am – 9.30am the children explored the toy cupboard (read: emptied) whilst I inserted the hoover in my bottom so I could clean the floors whilst making the beds.  Then I gathered up swimming items, plunged them in a bag, literally put clothes on myself, smeared a baby wipe over my cheeks and gathered up three children and headed out the door issuing commands and warnings as we went.

Arrived at swimming pool, the popular Rivermead in Reading.  I declared to the lady behind the till that I was accompanied by “one baby and two five year olds”.  Again I was surprised to note that she didn’t reach into the till and give me a medal for even thinking of bringing three small children swimming alone.  Instead she charged a small fortune and waved us in wishing us a happy swimming experience.

In the hottest changing room imaginable we began the process of undressing.  BB managed to scoot along the floor gathering dirty plasters, abandoned pennies and odd socks on her journey.  Twin boy caused chaos when he announced a poo was en route.  So we all had to gather belongings dash to the ladies, then we had to pause for an argument about why he had to use the ladies and not the gents, and then we returned back to the now occupied family changing room.

Ten minutes later and at least forty years older I was ready, as was BB, twin boy and twin girl.

 Still no medal was pressed into my palm, although a mother of one commented that I must be insane.

 We skipped out merrily to the poolside and were greeted by a cheery young  lifeguard.

“Madame how old are your children.” He enquired.

My heart leapt, finally this must be it, my skills as a mother were being recognised and I was going to be presented with a motherhood medal, live from Rivermead.  I looked around for hidden cameras and, upon finding none, I giggled to myself realising they were of course ‘hidden’.

“Well” I smiled proudly, wishing I had applied make up this morning, “she is 14 months” gesturing to BB, “and the twins are five.” I resisted saying ‘aren’t I bloody amazing coming here with three kids, alone.’

Silence followed as I glowed outwardly waiting for the moment he declared me mother of the year for skills in breakfast making, swimming pool changing and general wonderfulness.

“You can’t come in, you need two adults for three kids.”

POP – my bubble exploded.

This dear diary is where I yelled…

I have been to this pool with the children several times in the last year, not only are my twins perfectly competent swimming, but the biggest more ridiculous factor was – the woman on reception had bloody well let me in seeing full well that I didn’t have another adult with me.

 Clearly I done something to upset this woman in a past life, or she just lives to torment already tormented women like me.

You’ve guessed the ending, shouting got me nowhere but it did make me feel a teeny-weeny bit better to grumble, moan, and complain at the man who should be saving lives not making mine tougher.

Did I mention BB also chose an opportune moment to have a wee whilst I was whining?  Right down my swimsuit. past the amazonian not trimmed bikini line, onto the floor.  It didn’t improve my mood; some would say it made it worse.

So school diary that was day one of the holidays.  How the twins describe it doesn’t really do it justice so I am sure you would agree my little notes are needed just so you get a better flavour for our time together.

I look forward to telling you about Day 2.

79 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mummymummymum
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:19:53

    Hands over medal….

    Ha ha, loving the image of BB, bum shuffling around with many plasters stuck to her bum!


  2. mothersalwaysright
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:20:24

    Went from laughing to actually huffing and puffing in anger on your behalf at this post. Still huffing. I hope you got your money back!


    • janeblackmore
      Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:54:37

      Yes I did, and my parking! but lost 20p to the locker.

      the chap did ask what I wanted and i said nothing would make a difference (I was mega cross) but if I were him I would have forced free stuff on me but he didn’t bother just gave me my tenner back and watched me leave! oh the joys of custumer service….


  3. Butwhymummywhy
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:22:36

    I am speechless! A truly deserved massive big fat medal to you!


  4. Zoe
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:24:37

    you definitely deserve a medal – we haven’t been swimming since baby boy was born and I only have two. Looking forward to reading about day 2 – and feeling rather smug that I decided to keep the 3 year old in nursery for a few extra weeks! I know I will get my comeuppance next year


  5. eviegracesmummy
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:25:51

    Medal, pah if you aren’t mentioned in the New Years Honours list, I for one will be writing a strongly worded e mail!


  6. toddlingintomadness
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:34:50

    The stupidity of some people amazes me – if there is a new ( I presume new as you have been before) rule then why did the receptionist let you through!!!!!!!!!!


  7. Pooky Hesmondhalgh
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:34:59

    A medal? I think you deserve a fricking holiday.

    ALONE!!! xxxx


  8. Emily O
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:38:17

    Can I say you’re actually quite barking mad to attempt that? You should still have had a medal though, there’s no recognition these days. We played safe by emptying a box of Lego all over the house this morning and then got the paddling pool this afternoon. And you’re right – the races didn’t wear them out did they? Hope your day is better tomorrow x


    • janeblackmore
      Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:51:24

      not one bit! the amount we have done this weekend they should be hinding under duvets begging for sleep, but noooooo they are like children possessed with superhuman strength!


  9. Mammasaurus
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:43:55

    Oh dear, I salute your efforts and giggle at the outcome, in a nice way though…
    Eyes on the prize my dear – September 7th isn’t it this year ?!


  10. Kate Takes 5
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 19:50:36

    Oh same thing happened to me a few months ago – though fortunately I was coming out after the swim when they told me. To be fair though I probably wouldn’t have gone back anyway as that was the day that the 4 year old declared VERY LOUDLY in the cubicle that ‘Mummy’s boobs are really long aren’t they?’. The shushing only made it worse. Mortified.


  11. CaroleHolland
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:26:10

    Eeek! *hands over several medals*

    I am daring to take my two swimming together for the first time tomorrow. I am panicking already. How do I hold on to/change a 2 year old without dropping the 5 month old?? What if the 5 month old sinks? And I don’t even know if the 2 year old’s swimming costume still fits….


    • janeblackmore
      Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:49:54


      dont do swimsuits just do swim nappies – that makes it slightly easier. tie the 5 month onto something and bring chocolate buttons for the 2 year old. Job done!


  12. TalesofaTwinMum
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:33:59

    I salute you for attempting to go swimming with all of them. Do they deliberately turn up the heating in the family changing rooms just to make us more uncomfortable as we try to chase our toddlers around a confirned space?

    I think the lifeguard was quite obviously evil and was asking for a slap.Well done you for resisting and only shouting at him – he got off lightly I reckon. A medal is on the way, I’m sure of it.


  13. ChocOrangeCityMum
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:40:08

    Oh how I am looking forward to Day 2 already


  14. Susan Eardley
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 20:50:58

    Just spat my tea out laughing!! I’d never ever be as brave as you taking them swimming!


  15. maggy, red ted art
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 21:15:13

    You really DO deserve a medal. I never take my (two!) swimming, I hand them over to OH.. eventhough I love swimming!!

    Oh and btw what a horrible way for school to ruin your kids holidays! A journal for the WHOLE six weeks??!?!?!?

    Thought of a photo diary?

    You ge a big medal from me.. going off to make one!

    (oh and sending you a hug, some chocolate, some wine and gin)


  16. actuallymummy
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 21:31:18

    Oh god I feel your pain! I will read with interest as we are doing similar over at the Actually Mummy house. I’m not sure that ‘Mummy nagged me and confiscated my computer time, again!’ will really pass muster in the year 2 classroom come September. Must remember to try and go swimming next 😉


  17. Yvonne Keen
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 21:34:17

    Loved it and love you. Only another 400,000 million trillion hours to go to September 9th!
    I can’t take my husband swimming with us because HE CAN’T SWIM EITHER! And, I’m afraid, women and children first in my book.
    Looking forward to day 2!


  18. Fran
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 21:39:05

    You do deserve a medal! It’s about all I can do to muster up the courage to take just the twins to the pool by myself.
    Shame on the lifeguard, at the very least he should have held the baby while you had a swim 🙂
    Looking forward to the next six weeks then I take it?


  19. Crystal Jigsaw
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 21:45:02

    Great post, very entertaining though I imagine it didn’t feel that way as the events unfolded. What a ridiculous thing to do, letting a woman in with 3 kids, how odd that must have looked!! Don’t these people realise mums are capable beings, quite able to handle a trio of excited children. It beggars belief, it really does. I suspect the inexperienced joke behind the till hasn’t done a course in customer service, and I suspect the life guard hasn’t saved many lives. Some folk are incredibly incapable.

    Let’s hope day 2 improves.
    CJ xx


    • janeblackmore
      Jul 26, 2011 @ 06:56:09

      I even offered to sign something to accept liability and then got into a delrious conversation about cramp!

      Stupid pool!

      But again it wouldn’t have been half as bad if they had simply refused us entry at the start.

      Shocking customer service in all honesty.


  20. five go blogging
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 21:47:11

    100% genuine roflmao. Thank you for the best laugh x


  21. Kerry
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 23:46:21

    I am handing you a medal, a huge bar of chocolate and a mahoosive glass of wine. It may make Day 2 feel a lot better! xx


  22. geekmummy
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 05:06:43

    Oh no! I am doing a combination of laughing and feeling really bad for you. You do deserve a medal – I wouldn’t dream of taking both my kids swimming at the same time – the best I can manage is to get the geekdaughter sitting on a chair at the side with an iPad whilst the geekson has his swimming lesson, and that is quite fraught enough! But to go through the worst part of any swimming experience (changing) and then not get the good bit is horrible.

    Hope day 2 is much better.


  23. Bianca Cox
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 06:49:46

    Oh god poor you, what a bloody nightmare (although it did make for entertaining reading and thus fantastic blog material… every cloud….!). Things like this drive me INSANE – why couldn’t they have told you that when you announced “one baby and two five year olds” ?!? – morons! That woman at the reception desk needs a good talking to! Hope the rest of the holidays aren’t similarly stressful! xx


  24. Pampered Mummy
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 07:16:01

    Oh hun, I did wonder when you said as we have a similar policy. The woman on the desk is incompetant for even letting you go through. Hope today goes better x


    • janeblackmore
      Jul 26, 2011 @ 07:33:35

      I don’t have a massive problem with the policy as such, my issue is that it has never been enforced before and it was appalling customer service to allow to get changed etc.

      The four of us swim regulary at the pool and therefore experience tells us that we have no issues being allowed in.

      Plus had I been the women who had let us in I would have found us and apologised, she didn’t. Instead I was left with the centre manager who asked me once what I wanted? Should I have said a years free pass? To be honest it was more frustrating that he didn’t know a way to pacify the situation and to enforce a gesture of goodwill.

      Blimey am ranting again!

      Now need to go lie down



  25. Windmilltales
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 07:18:53

    Fantastic! Made me giggle, As he was peeing you should have passed him to the lifeguard and said here you be our second adult!


  26. angelbeanbabyshoes
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 08:51:04

    How amusing! Never a dull moment,

    It’s my first time on your blog. It’s great! My husband has just told me to write he’s a ‘southern dad with a nothern child!’ (bet you’ve not heard that one before!)


  27. mumontrend
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 09:12:07

    hope you got your money back!!


  28. Scottish Mum
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 17:21:55

    Priceless….. I thought the legislation was three under 8 if they coudnt swim..


  29. Mother Bloggin' Guilt
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 18:39:23

    Wow! Just the thought of taking my toddler and preschooler swimming by myself, makes me want to lie down. That is a truly amazing feat and one that should be applauded! You deserve a chocolate medal laced with champagne for your efforts. Good luck with the rest of the holidays! X


  30. Steph
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 18:49:43

    oooh legislation.. that’s it, throw the book at them!! I would be writing a letter to complain, asking for that year’s free pass after all. You deserve so much more than that for getting them all in there in the first place! Big sparkly chocolate medal for you, and huge glass of vino I hope. Made me laugh anyhow after my day 2 of hols – I needed it so thanks 🙂


  31. Mcai7td3
    Jul 26, 2011 @ 20:56:10

    Stoopid rules!! Made me giggle though, Cept when they tried to throw you out of course. One day down, fifty million to go!


  32. Tracy Cazaly
    Jul 27, 2011 @ 19:13:43

    Excellent diary note for Day !, albeit feeling exhausted just reading it!! You soooo deserve a medal but no can do so instead I compliment you by saying “bloody well done u”!!!! What I will say is that having two girls who are in double figures, it does get sooooo much easier, for instance, I took my youngest Jessica who is 10 swimming at wet & wild with her friend 11, they had a ball, I drank copius amounts of coffee and read my book! It’s sooooo true!


  33. sarsm
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 10:56:27

    For goodness sake, the lifeguards real job is to save the drowning kids, evidently health and safety have got in the way.

    I know this has been the policy for a while in Scotland. I tried to take my three swimming when they were young on my own (I was a single mum at that time). The receptionist told me “No chance” and I was mad enough (having managed to get them all out of the house and to the pool). It was a new rule which then meant I had to stop taking the children swimming. In your situation I would have (at least) felt like shoving the lifeguard in!!

    As to the diaries hilarious! – My eldest once wrote ‘Out rabbit died. It starved to death because we forgot to feed it.’ In her school story book. I almost died myself as I read it on parent evening. It had died of OLD AGE!!!

    Also looking forward to day 2!!


  34. helloitsgemma
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 12:38:00

    *exhausted by sheer number of comments* takes a rest.
    You want hidden cameras when you are wearing a swimming costume? Gosh! good on you! I would rather die than be filmed in my swimmers.
    7.02 is a flipping lie in, it is not up with the lacks – count your lucky stars.
    I will send a medal just because I think you are great X


  35. mymumdom
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 21:10:55

    Thats why we have a pool in our backyard. Because otherwise I’d never get to take the kids swimming!


  36. Trackback: Day 2…. Is Hell Freezing Over…. « Northern Mummy with Southern Children
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  41. from_fun_to_mum (@from_fun_to_mum)
    Feb 04, 2012 @ 22:15:33

    I found you from Richmond Mummy and find your blog hilarious! How do you cope with twins +1 is beyond my capacity of comprehension, well done!


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